Plan the service or gathering: form, timing, people and order
Choose the form of service, its date, place and leader, write an order of service with times, ask the speakers and rehearse, and give every role for the day to a named person.
- Start here: the essentials
- 1. The form, the date and the place
- 2. Who leads it, and the order of service
- 3. Speakers, rehearsal, programs and livestreaming
- 4. Military honors and a national cemetery committal
- 5. Children, roles for the day and the reception
- 6. See it
- 7. Practice: the service plan
- 8. Your arrangements
- 9. Check your work
- 10. Knowledge check and scenario
Start here Essentials
At minimum, decide what kind of service there will be and when, who leads it, and what happens in it, minute by minute. A gathering weeks away needs the same plan as a funeral this week, with more time to make it.
- Choose the form and a date. A funeral, a memorial, a graveside service, a gathering, or none; write "later" if the body is cared for first (the form, the date and the place).
- Choose who leads it. Clergy, a celebrant, or a family member or friend (who leads it).
- Write the order of service with minutes for each part. Add them up against the time you have (the order of service).
- Ask the speakers and readers, and set a rehearsal. Give each a time limit (speakers and rehearsal).
- Give each role for the day to a named person, including someone at the house (roles for the day).
Minimum time: about 45 minutes, plus the calls to speakers. Done when: the service plan shows a form, a date or "later", a leader, an order of service whose minutes add up, and a named person for each role.
1. The form, the date and the place Understand
The form of service is the first choice because it sets everything after it: whether the body is there, how soon it has to happen, where it can be held and what has to be bought. The federal Funeral Rule gives two of the names exact meanings, and funeral homes price them as separate lines on the General Price List (Goods, prices and the statement).
The forms
| Form | Body present? | When | Where | What it usually needs from a provider |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Funeral (the rule's "funeral ceremony") | Yes | Soon after the death | Funeral home, house of worship, sometimes a home or hall | Care of the body until the service (refrigeration or embalming, Burial, cremation and other choices), a casket or container, transport, facilities and staff if held at the funeral home |
| Memorial service | No | Any time | Anywhere | Nothing from a provider unless you use its rooms or staff; the ashes may or may not be there |
| Graveside service | Yes, at the grave | At the burial | The cemetery | The cemetery's opening and closing, the provider's graveside equipment and staff |
| Gathering or celebration of life | Usually no | Any time | Anywhere: a park, a hall, a restaurant, a home | Usually nothing from a provider; a venue, food and someone in charge |
| No service | No | None | None | Direct cremation or immediate burial only |
The Funeral Rule calls a ceremony with the body present a funeral ceremony and one without the body a memorial service. It defines direct cremation as cremation without formal viewing, visitation or a ceremony with the body present, and immediate burial the same way, except that a graveside service is allowed (16 CFR Part 453, the Funeral Rule). Federal rule Those definitions matter on a price list: a family that chooses direct cremation and holds a memorial a month later has bought no ceremony from the funeral home, and nothing on the statement should say it did. Definitions of these and other terms are in the glossary.
AARP describes the same split in plain terms: a funeral usually happens soon after the death, and a memorial service has no body present and can be held at any time and in any place (AARP, How to Plan a Memorial Service or Celebration of Life). A gathering or celebration of life is a memorial with fewer set parts. Many families do two things: a small graveside service or a direct cremation now, and a larger gathering later, when people can travel.
A written wish settles the form only as far as the person who decides follows it. Who decides covers who that is and what a written note does and does not settle (Who decides). Wishes such as "no funeral" still leave room for a gathering; the person who decides reads them with the family.
Timing
A funeral with the body present is held soon after the death. The funeral director AARP quotes says "often within a week." Two things set the outer limit: how the body is cared for until then, which follows the state's rule and the provider's practice (Burial, cremation and other choices), and any faith timing. Ask the authority
Faith timing comes first when it applies. The Rabbinical Assembly's guide for Conservative Jewish practice says burial takes place as soon as possible, preferably within 24 hours, and allows delays for legal reasons, for transport, for close relatives who travel a long way, and to avoid Shabbat or a holy day (Rabbinical Assembly, Guide to Jewish Funeral Practice). That is one movement's description; other movements and other faiths set their own. The family's clergy or community decides, and Who decides put that call first (Who decides). Convention
A memorial or gathering can be held when it suits the people who will come. Pick the date early and tell people early; AARP's planning steps start there. Weekends help people who work and travel. A date four to eight weeks out leaves time to book a place and for out-of-town people to buy tickets; that range is our convention, not a source's rule. Convention
Once a service date is set, the table below counts back from it: what to settle and by when, so the last week is not the week everything is decided.
If your setup has no service date yet, add it in setup once it is chosen.
The place
A memorial or gathering can be held almost anywhere the owner allows. AARP's examples include a veterans' post, a restaurant, a community center, a park, a home, a church and a synagogue. Funeral Consumers Alliance's planning pamphlet says memorial services need not be held at a funeral home (Funeral Consumers Alliance, Four-Step Funeral Planning). A funeral with the body present needs a place that accepts a casket and the provider's staff, which narrows it to the funeral home, a house of worship or a place the provider agrees to.
When you call about a place, ask the same questions each time and write the answers in the plan:
- Is the date free, for how many hours, and what does it cost? Is there a deposit, and is it refundable?
- How many people does it hold, seated and standing? Is there shelter if it rains?
- Can food and drink be brought in? Is alcohol allowed? Is a reservation or permit needed?
- Is there power, a sound system, a microphone, internet or a phone signal (for a livestream)?
- Is there step-free access and parking close to the door?
- If ashes will be present or scattered there, does the owner allow it? That last question belongs to the landowner and local rules (Burial, cremation and other choices). Ask the authority
Write the place's answers, its contact and the booking terms in the plan sheet's Place field and the expense log (expenses).
A burial now and a gathering much later. The two forms can be far apart. AARP's article describes a family that held a Jewish burial within 24 hours and a celebration of life nine months later. The burial met the faith's timing; the gathering met the family's need to bring people together. If a faith sets the burial date, a later gathering is a family choice to raise with the clergy, not something this manual decides. Family's choice
2. Who leads it, and the order of service
Who leads it
Every service needs one person who runs it on the day: who opens, who introduces each speaker, who keeps time and who closes. That person is the leader (some programs say officiant). AARP names three choices: a family member or friend who introduces speakers; a priest, minister, rabbi or imam who adds faith elements; or a hired celebrant, a person trained to design and lead a service around one life.
| Leader | Suits | Ask before choosing |
|---|---|---|
| Clergy of the person's faith | A religious service, or a family that wants prayer in it | What the tradition sets in the service, where it can be held, whether others may speak and when, any honorarium |
| A celebrant | A service without a set religious form, where no one in the family wants to lead | The fee and what it covers, how many meetings, whether they write the service or the family does, who checks the final text |
| A family member or friend | A gathering, or a family that wants it personal | Whether they can lead and also grieve on the day; who takes over if they cannot go on |
| The funeral director | A short service at the funeral home or the grave | Whether it is in the price you were quoted, or a separate line |
A celebrant's method follows the order celebrant training programs teach: meet the family to gather the life, then write the service around it, then lead it. The International Cemetery, Cremation and Funeral Association's training page calls the first meeting "Family Time" and says a celebrant spends about 10 hours preparing one service (ICCFA, Celebrant Training). Convention A family that leads its own service can follow the same order: a meeting where people tell stories, one person who writes the order, and one person who leads.
A clergy honorarium, a musician or a celebrant hired through the funeral home is a cash advance item: something the provider pays a third party for on your behalf. The Funeral Rule lists clergy honoraria and musicians among its examples, and the statement has to itemize cash advance items, with a good faith estimate if the amount is not known yet (16 CFR 453.1 and 453.2). Federal rule Goods, prices and the statement shows how to read those lines (Goods, prices and the statement).
What a celebrant costs. ICCFA's training page gives celebrant fees as ranging from about $200 to more than $800 (ICCFA, page dated July 2024). That is one trade association's range for its trainees, not a survey, and not what a family will pay; ask the celebrant for the fee and what it includes. The National Funeral Directors Association hosts a three-day celebrant training whose skills list runs from facilitating family meetings to ceremonial writing and presentation (NFDA, Certified Celebrant Training). Both pages are written for funeral professionals; they show what a trained celebrant is expected to do, which helps when you interview one.
The order of service
An order of service is the list of what happens, in sequence, with who does each part and how many minutes it takes. It is the plan the leader holds on the day and, printed, the program guests read. Writing minutes beside each part is what keeps a 45-minute service from running to 90: speakers run long, and the only defense is a total that was added up in advance.
A service without a set religious form usually follows this shape. The parts and their order are our convention drawn from AARP's article and the outlines of celebrant training programs; leave out what does not fit. Convention
- Gathering and music. People arrive and sit. Not counted in the service minutes, but someone greets them.
- Welcome. The leader says who the service is for and what will happen, and asks phones to be silenced.
- A reading or music. A poem, a passage, a song the person liked.
- Tributes. The speakers, each with a set time, in the order the leader announces.
- Open sharing (optional). Anyone who wants to speak, with a time limit per person and a person keeping time.
- Music or a moment of silence.
- Closing. The leader thanks people and says what happens next: the reception, the committal, where to go.
- Committal, if any. At the grave, or the placing or scattering of ashes, often for a smaller group.
Add the minutes and compare the total with the time the place is booked for, less setup and cleanup. If the total runs over, cut a part or shorten each tribute; do not plan on speakers finishing early.
Write the order in the order-of-service sheet: one row per part, with Part, Who, Minutes and Notes (order of service). The sheet totals the minutes.
When a tradition sets the order
A religious service has an order that its clergy set, and the family fills in only what the tradition leaves open. Two examples, each as the tradition's own body describes it:
| Tradition (source) | Parts | Where tributes go |
|---|---|---|
| Catholic (United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, overview of Catholic funeral rites) | The vigil, usually during visitation at the funeral home; the funeral liturgy, usually a funeral Mass; the rite of committal, normally at the grave or place of interment. The bishops recommend using the complete structure. | Eulogies are usually encouraged at the funeral home during visitation or at the vigil |
| Conservative Jewish (Rabbinical Assembly guide) | K'riah (tearing a garment or a black ribbon) just before the service; a brief service in a synagogue, a funeral home or at the grave, with psalms, El Malei Rahamim and a hesped; no viewing; pallbearers chosen by the mourners; burial | The hesped (eulogy) is part of the service |
The bishops' page and the Rabbinical Assembly's guide each describe one tradition's practice. Convention Practice differs within each, by parish, congregation and family. The rabbi, priest or imam answers what applies to this service; this manual's examples tell you what to ask about, not what to do.
Religious content and rules come from the family's clergy or community. The two tradition examples are each one body's description, and this manual does not decide religious questions. The order of service for a non-religious service is our convention, not a standard. And this manual does not write the tribute: it gives a structure, a time limit and a rehearsal method, and the speaker writes the words.
Customs around the service, in the traditions' own words. The Rabbinical Assembly's guide describes shmirah (the body is not left alone before burial; watchers recite psalms), k'riah, pallbearers who stop seven times on the way to the grave, a condolence meal for the mourners on their return from the cemetery, and shivah, seven days of mourning from the burial during which others make condolence calls and the mourners are not hosts. It also encourages donations to a tzedakah (charity) fund in place of flowers.
For Muslim practice, the All Dulles Area Muslim Society describes swift burial, ideally within 24 hours, so there is no wake or viewing; washing (ghusl) and shrouding; then the funeral prayer, Salat al-Janazah, which is brief and said standing. It adds scheduling realities from its own community: cemeteries often closed on Sundays, the prayer usually after the midday prayer (ADAMS, Islamic Funeral Traditions FAQ). A second mosque, in East Orange, New Jersey, also says the janazah is ideally held within 24 hours, is led by an imam, and that people of other faiths may listen quietly (Masjid Ahlis Sunnah, Funeral (Janaazah)). A college summary of Muslim funerals in Minnesota gives "typically within 72 hours" instead; the mosques' own pages are the ones to follow for their communities. Each is one community's description; the family's imam or mosque answers for theirs.
3. Speakers, rehearsal, programs and livestreaming
Who speaks, and for how long
A tribute (or eulogy) is a short talk about the person who died. Choose the speakers before the order is final, because their number sets the length. Three to four planned speakers at three to five minutes each fit a 45-minute service with room for music; that sizing is our convention. Convention
When you ask someone to speak, give them four things in one message: the date and place, how many minutes they have, who speaks before and after them (so two people do not tell the same story), and the rehearsal date. A specific request is easier to say yes or no to than "would you say a few words?"
Some people want to contribute and do not want to stand up, or live too far away. AARP's article suggests offering to read their remembrance for them. If the service is streamed, it says a remote tribute can be read by someone else or, better, played as a video recording. Put the reader's name in the order of service next to the writer's.
AARP also passes on a celebrant's tip: keep a shared online document with every part of the service, so everyone involved sees what others will say. One document, one owner who edits the order, and each speaker's text pasted in by the rehearsal date.
A rehearsal method
AARP recommends a rehearsal for speakers. No neutral source gives a method; this one is this manual's. Convention
- Set the date two to five days before the service, so there is time to cut and not so much that people rewrite everything.
- Read each tribute aloud, at speaking pace, with a timer. Silent reading runs faster than speaking. Write the spoken time in the Minutes column.
- Cut what runs over, and check the order for repeats between speakers.
- Name a backup reader for each speaker, someone who has the printed text and stands nearby. If the speaker stops, the backup finishes. Say this in advance so it is a plan, not a rescue.
- Print each tribute in large type, one copy for the speaker and one for the leader.
- Walk through the order once, at the place if you can: who sits where, who hands the microphone, who starts the music.
A rehearsal by phone or video call works for people who are not local. The point is the spoken time and the backup reader, not the room.
Programs and items of remembrance
A program is the printed order of service handed to guests. AARP's example service had programs with photos and memories on each seat. A program can be one folded sheet: the name, the date, a photo, the order of service with the speakers' names, and a line about the reception. Leave out the details Notices and telling people lists for a notice (birth date and place, middle and maiden names, the home address); a program is a public document too (Notices and telling people).
AARP also describes items of remembrance: a photo card with a favorite poem, or, at one rabbi's services, a stone to take. Record who makes the programs and how many in the plan sheet's Programs field. Count them from the expected number of guests plus about a tenth spare; the spare is our convention.
Livestreaming
A livestream broadcasts the service over the internet as it happens, so people who cannot travel can watch. AARP quotes a past president of the National Funeral Directors Association who has arranged more than 100 livestreamed services, and gives one rule: tell all readers and performers in advance that the service will be streamed.
- Decide who runs it. One person whose only job is the stream, not a speaker or the leader. Add "Livestream" as a role.
- Ask the place about internet or signal, and test there before the day if you can. A pavilion in a park may have no Wi-Fi and a weak phone signal. Test it
- Tell everyone on camera. Speakers, readers and musicians, as AARP says.
- Follow the platform's own rules, which change. The rules below are product facts as one memorial-website company's help page described them on October 17, 2026. Product-specific
Ever Loved's help page on livestreaming a funeral says that for YouTube, live streaming has to be enabled more than 24 hours before the event, that streaming from a phone needs a channel with at least 1,000 subscribers (so its guide uses a computer with a webcam), and that the stream's visibility must be Public or Unlisted, since Private does not work for this. For Facebook, the embed code for a live video is available only from a desktop browser (Ever Loved, How to livestream a funeral service). Check the platform's own help center before the day. Write the link in the plan sheet's Livestream field, and send it only to the people who should have it if the house will be empty (Notices and telling people).
Livestream setup, step by step. Ever Loved's page walks through a YouTube stream from a computer: enable live streaming a day ahead, schedule the stream, mark it "not made for kids", choose Unlisted to keep it off search, and copy the share link. For Facebook it uses Create Post, then Live Video, with Public or Private visibility. The rest of that page promotes the company's memorial sites; this manual uses only its platform facts. No hospice, library or university guide to streaming a funeral was found, so this rests on one vendor's page and AARP's advice.
4. Military honors and a national cemetery committal
If the person served in the armed forces, the family can ask for military funeral honors: a short ceremony by uniformed service members. Military OneSource describes the minimum set by law (10 U.S.C. 1491) as a detail of at least two uniformed members who fold and present the flag, with Taps played; a live bugler is preferred, and a ceremonial bugle or a quality recording may be used. A representative of the person's branch presents the flag to the next of kin. More elements, such as a rifle volley, a color guard or pallbearers, depend on the resources available (Military OneSource, What to Expect During Military Funeral Honors). Federal rule
- Request them through the funeral director or a funeral honors coordinator, with the discharge papers (DD214 or other proof of service). Military OneSource's FAQ recommends at least 48 hours to organize a detail (Military OneSource, Military Funeral Honors FAQ). Information and papers covers finding the papers (Information and papers). Now
- They cost nothing. The FAQ says families are not required to pay for military funeral honors, and warns of people posing as officials who ask for payment. Report that to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov.
- Honors can be held with an urn. The flag starts folded instead of draping a casket. The FAQ says families holding cremated remains who now want a ceremony can contact the coordinator.
- Put them in the order of service. The honors usually come at the end, at the committal. Ask the funeral director how many minutes the detail needs and where family should sit.
A committal at a national cemetery
A burial in a VA national cemetery changes the shape of the day. VA's page on what to expect says the committal service is held at a committal shelter, not at the graveside, lasts about 20 minutes, and is followed by the burial. National cemeteries have no viewing facilities, so a funeral or viewing is held somewhere else first (VA, Military funeral honors and the committal service). One program's rule
In practice the day has two places: the funeral, memorial or viewing at a funeral home or house of worship, then a drive to the cemetery for a 20-minute committal with readings and honors. VA says families can have readings at the committal and request honors through the funeral director, a veterans service organization or the cemetery staff, and suggests visiting the grave at the end of the workday rather than right after the ceremony. Plan the order of service for each place separately, and give the drive its own row. Eligibility for a national cemetery is VA's decision (Paying and benefits).
5. Children, roles for the day and the reception
Children
Two children's sources give the same default: offer a child the choice to attend, prepare them for it, and have a plan if they change their mind. Both say age is not what decides. The Dougy Center, a children's grief center, says "age isn't actually the most important thing" that forcing a child to go can cause anger, and that giving no choice can cause resentment (Dougy Center, Supporting Children and Teens Through Funerals and Memorial Services). A therapist at CHOC, a children's hospital, gives the same advice: encourage without pressure, and support the child's decision (CHOC, Should my child attend a funeral?).
- Explain beforehand where it is, who will be there, how long it lasts, what they may see and hear (a casket or urn, singing, adults crying or laughing), where they will sit, and where they can take a break. The Dougy Center suggests plain words for casket, cremation, ashes, urn and burial.
- Give each child a buddy: an adult the child knows, who does not mind leaving the service. Both sources name this. Write the buddy into the roles sheet.
- Offer a part if the child wants one: choosing a song, a drawing, flowers, a photo, a reading. CHOC adds: rehearse it, and have an adult ready to finish for them.
- Agree a backup plan. A child may change their mind, even on arrival. CHOC says not to make staying home more exciting than going.
- If they do not attend, both sources suggest another way to say goodbye, such as lighting a candle or a small family ceremony, and checking in with them in the days after.
Roles for the day
AARP's checklist names the jobs families hand off for a funeral: pallbearers, eulogies, planning the service, keeping a list of well-wishers, writing thank-you notes and arranging the gathering afterward (AARP, What to do when a loved one dies). Each role gets a named person who has said yes. "Someone from the family" is not a name.
| Role | What they do | Needed for |
|---|---|---|
| Leader | Runs the order, introduces speakers, keeps time | Every service |
| Speakers and readers | Tributes, readings; a backup reader for each | Most services |
| Greeter | Meets people at the door, points to seats and the guest book | Any service with guests who do not know the place |
| Ushers | Seat people, hand out programs, reserve the family's rows | Larger services |
| Pallbearers | Carry the casket; chosen by the family (the Rabbinical Assembly says the mourners choose them) | A funeral or graveside service with a casket |
| Music and sound | Starts the music, hands the microphone | Any service with music or a microphone |
| Livestream | Runs the stream, and only that | A streamed service |
| A child's buddy | Stays with one child, leaves with them if needed | Each child who attends |
| Guest book and cards | Keeps the list of well-wishers, collects cards and gifts | Any service; it feeds the thank-you notes (After the service) |
| Someone at the house | Stays at the home during the service | Every service that is announced publicly (Notices and telling people) |
| Reception | Food, drink, setup and cleanup | Any reception |
Write each role, the person, a way to reach them and whether they said yes in the roles sheet (roles for the day). The person who decides should not hold a role on the day beyond speaking, if they want to speak. The coordinator from Sharing the work can hold the list (Sharing the work).
The reception
A reception is the gathering with food after the service. It can be at the same place, a home, a restaurant or a hall. For this manual it is one row at the end of the order of service and one role: who arranges the food, who sets up and who cleans up. Write its place in the plan sheet. Some traditions set their own customs for the meal after a burial; ask the clergy. A family's choice of flowers or donations in place of flowers goes in the plan too, and in the notice (Notices and telling people). Family's choice
6. See it See it
Sam Okoro plans a gathering at the lake. Ellen Okoro died at home in Spokane under hospice care. Her handwritten note asked for cremation, "no funeral" and "a party at the lake." Sam arranged a direct cremation first (Burial, cremation and other choices) and set the gathering for five weeks after the death, at a lakeside park pavilion.
Known: the form is a gathering with no body present; the date is five weeks out; the place is the pavilion; Sam leads it, with Dev Raman and Carol Peck helping. Assumed: a Saturday from 2:00 to 5:00 p.m., about 60 guests, and food brought in (Sam's assumptions; the time and numbers are fictional). Open: whether the park allows ashes to be scattered at the lake (settled by whoever owns the land or water and the local rules, Burial, cremation and other choices), so the ashes are not in the order; whether the pavilion has a phone signal for a stream (settled by the park office and a test visit).
Sam's order of service (fictional):
| Part | Who | Minutes | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| Arrival, music from Ellen's playlist | Dev Raman | (before start) | Greeter at the path from the parking lot |
| Welcome | Sam Okoro | 3 | Says there is a time for anyone to speak |
| Reading: a poem Ellen marked in a library book | Carol Peck | 3 | Printed copy with Sam |
| Tribute | Sam Okoro | 5 | Backup reader: Dev |
| Tribute: a former colleague from the school library | A colleague (fictional) | 4 | Backup reader: Carol |
| Remembrance sent by a friend who is unable to travel | Read by Dev Raman | 3 | Text in the shared document |
| Open sharing | Anyone; Dev keeps time | 15 | Two to three minutes each |
| Music | Dev Raman | 4 | Speaker and phone, tested at the pavilion |
| Closing and invitation to eat | Sam Okoro | 3 | Says where the food is, and thanks the helpers |
| Total | 40 | Inside the three-hour booking, with time to set up and eat |
Roles: greeter, Carol Peck for the first half hour; music and sound, Dev; food, three friends of Ellen's who offered; guest book, Carol; someone at Ellen's house during the gathering, Nikhil Raman, Dev's brother (fictional), since the house is empty and the gathering is announced (Notices and telling people). The rehearsal is a video call three days before, with each tribute read aloud and timed.
The Feld funeral on Sunday. Ruth Feld died on a Thursday evening at a nursing home in Rochester. She kept Conservative Jewish practice. The rabbi advised burial as soon as possible, with the funeral on Sunday so Aaron can fly in from San Diego and to avoid Shabbat. Ruth owns a plot beside her late husband in a Jewish cemetery.
Known: the date (Sunday), the leader (the rabbi), the burial plot. Assumed: a short service at the funeral home's chapel, then the burial at the cemetery (the family's assumption; the rabbi confirms where the service is held). Open: whether shivah is held at Miriam's home (the family decides); what the prepaid contract covers for the service (the funeral home and the cemetery settle it, Funeral homes and your rights and Goods, prices and the statement).
The family's draft, with the parts as the Rabbinical Assembly's guide describes them and minutes that are the family's estimates (fictional): k'riah for Aaron and Miriam with the rabbi, just before the service (5); psalms (5); the hesped by the rabbi (8) and by Aaron (5); El Malei Rahamim (3); the drive to the cemetery (its own row, timed by the funeral director); the burial, with the pallbearers the family chose (20). Total at the chapel: 26 minutes. Miriam sends the draft to the rabbi, who sets the order; the family fills in only the names and Aaron's time. There is no viewing, as the guide describes. Miriam names the pallbearers in the roles sheet, and a neighbor stays at Miriam's house during the funeral (fictional), because the notice gives the time.
The Marsh family and the national cemetery. Teo Marsh was an Army veteran, honorably discharged. Lena wants burial at Santa Fe National Cemetery; Carlos wants cremation. Who decides is open, settled by the funeral director or an attorney (Who decides). If the national cemetery is used, with a casket or with cremated remains, which VA allows, the day has two places: a funeral or memorial in Albuquerque, then a committal of about 20 minutes at the cemetery's committal shelter. Open: whether honors can be arranged for the date (requested through the funeral director at least 48 hours ahead, with the DD214 from the file box in the garage).
Free pages that show what this chapter describes:
- AARP, How to Plan a Memorial Service or Celebration of Life: a point person, a celebrant, venues, programs, rehearsal and streaming, with real families' examples.
- VA, Military funeral honors and the committal service: what happens on the day at a national cemetery.
- Dougy Center tip sheet (PDF): how to prepare a child, with the words to use.
- Rabbinical Assembly, Guide to Jewish Funeral Practice: one tradition's order and customs in its own words.
7. Practice: the service plan Practice
Minimum: the plan sheet's form, date (or "later") and leader, an order of service with minutes in each row, and the roles sheet with a name in each role you need. Time: about 45 minutes for the sheets, plus the calls. Materials: the service plan, the person's written wishes if any (what was found), the price list if a funeral home is involved, a phone, and a timer for the rehearsal.
- Fill the plan sheet's Form, Date and Time. If the body is being cared for first and the service is not set, write "later" and the month you are aiming for (the plan).
- Write the place and its answers. Use the questions under the place. Add any deposit to the expense log.
- Write who leads it. If it is clergy or a celebrant, write what they said they need from the family and by when.
- Write the order of service, one row per part with Who and Minutes (order of service). Check the total against the time the place is booked.
- Ask each speaker and reader, with the date, their minutes, who speaks around them and the rehearsal date. Mark them in the roles sheet when they say yes.
- Fill the roles sheet from the roles table, with a person and contact for each (roles for the day). Include someone at the house.
- Hold the rehearsal and write each spoken time into the Minutes column.
8. Your arrangements Your arrangements
The box below reads your setup and says which parts of this chapter apply to your service.
9. Check your work Check your work
Criteria
- Does the plan name a form that matches what was bought (a funeral needs the body cared for and present; a memorial does not)?
- Is there a date, or "later" with a month, and has any faith timing been checked with the clergy?
- Does every row in the order of service have a person and minutes, and does the total fit the booking?
- Is every role you need held by a named person who said yes, including someone at the house?
- If the person was a veteran and honors are wanted, has the funeral director been asked, at least 48 hours ahead?
Worked example
Sam's plan, checked: the form (a gathering with no body) matches the direct cremation bought; the date is set five weeks out; Sam leads; every row has a person and minutes, and 40 minutes fits a three-hour booking; each tribute has a backup reader; each role has a name, including Nikhil at the house. Two items stay open: the stream depends on a signal test at the pavilion, and the ashes stay out of the order until the land question is settled. Fictional example.
Common mistakes
- No minutes in the order. Without them the service runs as long as the longest speaker. Fix: minutes in every row, and a timed rehearsal.
- Too many speakers. Six speakers at "a few minutes" each is 30 to 45 minutes of tributes. Fix: choose three or four, and give others the open sharing time or a card for the guest book.
- Honors requested late. Fix: ask the funeral director as soon as the date is set; the FAQ recommends at least 48 hours.
- A public notice with the service time and nobody at the house. Fix: the "someone at the house" role (Notices and telling people).
What is still unresolved
Religious content and order come from the family's clergy. Whether ashes can be present or scattered at a place is for the landowner and local rules (Burial, cremation and other choices). Who decides when the family disagrees is not this manual's to settle (Who decides). National cemetery eligibility and benefits are VA's decision (Paying and benefits). The words of each tribute are the speaker's. The notice that announces the service, and how to keep it safe, is Notices and telling people.