Hand off the work: a task list, a coordinator and the house
Name one coordinator, turn offers of help into specific jobs with a person and a day, split the calls, look after the home, pets and mail, and start an expense log.
Start here Essentials
At minimum, this chapter asks you to hand the practical jobs to other people, so the person deciding is left with the decisions. One short list, a coordinator and an expense log do most of that.
- Name a coordinator. Pick one person to keep the task list and answer questions; it can be you (one coordinator).
- Write five jobs. Write the five jobs that would help most this week, each with a person and a day (tasks written as jobs).
- Split the calls. Divide the people to tell among two or three callers (splitting the people to tell).
- Cover the house. If the person lived alone, arrange the locks, pets, refrigerator and mail (the house, pets and mail).
- Start the expense log. Write the first amount spent, who paid it, and whether the receipt is kept (one record).
Minimum time: about 30 minutes. Done when: the task sheet has a coordinator, at least five tasks each with a name and a day, and an expense log with its first entry.
1. One coordinator Understand
In the first week after a death, the person with the right to decide is asked the same questions many times: when is the service, what can I bring, who has told Aunt Rose, where are the spare keys. Each question is small. Together they leave little room for the decisions only that person can make: the provider, the body, the money (Who decides).
A coordinator is one person who keeps the task list and answers those questions (see the glossary). AARP's guide to planning a memorial tells families not to go it alone and to pick a close friend or relative as the point person who hands out the jobs. The Dougy Center, a children's grief center, lists "point person for answering questions" among the most useful offers a friend can make. AARP's after-death checklist puts it plainly: one person cannot do it all, so delegate to friends and relatives.
Who makes a good coordinator
The coordinator does not need to be family or local. They need three things:
- Time this week. The first few days and the days just before the service tend to be the busiest.
- The trust of the person deciding. They will be speaking for the household on small matters.
- A reachable phone. Helpers and relatives call the coordinator instead of the person deciding.
The person deciding can be their own coordinator, as long as the list exists. A written list is what turns offers into help; a coordinator just keeps it current. Family's choice
What the coordinator does
- Keeps the task sheet: adds jobs, matches them to helpers, ticks them off.
- Answers the questions anyone can answer: dates, addresses, what to bring. Passes on only the ones that need the person deciding.
- Gathers the questions for the person deciding into one conversation a day, instead of a stream of calls.
- Keeps the people-to-tell list and checks who has been told.
- Makes sure someone is keeping the expense log (one record).
What helpers do not do
Helpers, the coordinator included, act for the person with the right to decide. They do not sign a funeral contract, authorize cremation or embalming, choose a provider, or agree to a price on that person's behalf. A funeral home will ask who has the right to decide and will take authorizations from that person (Who decides). Helpers can make calls to gather prices, as long as everyone knows the call is for information (Funeral homes and your rights).
Some jobs need legal authority that no family member has in the first week. Forwarding mail for a person who lived at a different address is one: the Postal Service asks for proof that the person making the request is the appointed executor or administrator, and says a death certificate alone is not enough. Bank accounts are another. Those jobs wait for whoever the will or the court puts in charge of the estate (After the service).
This manual does not say who in a family should take which role, and it does not settle a family conflict. It gives a way to list jobs and hand them out. If relatives disagree about the arrangements, the question of who decides goes to the funeral director, the state funeral board or an attorney (Who decides). Anything that needs legal authority over the estate, such as the mail of a person who lived elsewhere or the person's bank accounts, waits for the executor or administrator.
If you or anyone helping is in crisis, call or text 988, any time.
2. Tasks written as jobs
"Let me know if I can do anything" is kind, and it hands the thinking back to the person who is grieving. The Dougy Center's tip sheet for helpers makes this its first point: an offer is easiest to accept when it is specific and concrete, something the person can answer with yes or no. Ohio State's cancer center gives the same advice in its handout on supporting someone who is grieving: offer concrete help, such as meals, laundry, rides or phone calls.
The task sheet turns that advice around. Instead of waiting for specific offers, the coordinator writes specific jobs and hands them out.
The three parts of a task
A task on the sheet has three parts.
- What, exactly. "Bring dinner for four on Thursday" rather than "help with food".
- Who. One name. A job assigned to "the cousins" tends not to happen.
- By when. A day, and a time when it matters. "Feed the cat, daily, morning" or "pick up Aaron at the airport, Saturday 2 p.m."
This is a Our convention built on the Dougy Center's advice. It also makes follow-through easy to see: a task with a name and a day is done or not done.
Jobs families hand off
The table lists jobs that the extension services, AARP and the grief centers name, with an example of each written as a task. Pick the five that would help most this week; the rest can wait or stay unassigned.
| Job | Written as a task | When | Named by |
|---|---|---|---|
| Calls to relatives and friends | "Call the six names on your part of the list by Wednesday evening" | Now | KSU MF3699, AARP |
| Answering the phone and the door | "Answer the house phone and take messages, Tuesday to Friday" | Now | KSU MF3122, Dougy Center |
| Pets | "Feed and walk the dog twice a day until Sunday, then take him to your house" | Now | KSU MF3699, KSU MF3122, AARP |
| Refrigerator and plants | "Clear the refrigerator at Mom's by Wednesday; water plants Mondays and Thursdays" | This week | AARP, KSU MF3122, KSU MF3699 |
| "Collect the mail from the box daily and leave it on the hall table" | This week | KSU MF3122, AARP | |
| Meals | "Bring dinner for five on Thursday; no nuts" | This week | Dougy Center, Ohio State, KSU MF3122 |
| Childcare | "School pickup Wednesday and Thursday; homework until 6" | This week | Dougy Center, Ohio State |
| Rides and lodging for people traveling | "Meet the 2:10 flight Saturday; guest room ready Friday" | Before the service | Ohio State (transportation) |
| Groceries and errands | "Pick up the grocery order Friday at 5" | This week | Dougy Center, Ohio State |
| Service tasks | "Collect photos for the slideshow by Tuesday"; "keep the list of who sent flowers" | Before the service | AARP (The service or gathering) |
| Watching the home during the service | "Stay at the house from 10 to 2 on Saturday" | Before the service | KSU MF3122, AARP, police (the house) |
| Keeping the record of what was done and spent | "Log every receipt in the expense sheet each evening" | Now | KSU MF3122 |
Choosing the first five
The first five tasks are the ones that cannot wait for a day or two, or that free the person deciding the most. For most families that means some of these:
- the coordinator's own job, written down;
- the people to tell, split among callers;
- anything alive or perishable: pets, the refrigerator, plants;
- meals for the household for the next few days;
- the house, if the person lived alone.
Leave the service tasks for later unless the service is within a few days. With direct cremation or an immediate burial, the service can be held weeks later (Who decides), and its jobs can be assigned then.
Children
If children will be at the service, or are in the household, give each child one named adult for the week and for the day itself. The Dougy Center suggests a "buddy" at the service, an adult who does not mind leaving with the child if they need a break. That adult is a task on the sheet like any other. Whether and how children take part in the service is a separate set of choices, covered in The service or gathering. Family's choice
3. Splitting the people to tell
Telling people is one of the longest jobs of the first days, and one of the hardest to do alone. Kansas State University's checklist suggests asking others to help make the calls. AARP's checklist suggests reviewing the person's own contacts, telling people by group text, email or calls, and asking the people you reach to pass the news on.
A list in rings
The people-to-tell sheet works best in rings, closest first. Our convention
- The closest people. Immediate family and the closest friends. Told by a person, by phone or face to face, before anything is posted. The person deciding may want to make some of these calls; share the rest.
- The wider circle. Other relatives, close neighbors, close colleagues. A phone call or a personal message from one of the callers.
- Groups. A book club, a congregation, a team, a former workplace. One message to the group's organizer, who passes it on. AARP suggests using a site or group the person already used, such as CaringBridge or Facebook.
- Everyone else. Reached by the death notice or obituary and the wider announcement (Notices and telling people).
Then split the first two rings among two or three callers. Each caller gets a short list of names and one message to give. Each ticks the "told" box as they go, and the coordinator watches for names no one has reached.
One message, agreed
Callers should all say the same thing. Agree on a few sentences before the calls start:
- who died and when;
- whether a service date is set, or that it will follow;
- who to contact with questions (the coordinator, not the person deciding);
- anything the family asks, such as not posting online until the closest people have been told.
Leave out the details Notices and telling people keeps out of the obituary, such as the home address, and keep the message free of the identity facts from Information and papers.
Employers and organizations
Some calls are business rather than news. AARP's checklist says to contact the person's employer soon, both to stop payroll and to ask about survivor, pension or unused-leave benefits, which it says may be time-sensitive. Kansas State's checklist adds a long-time former employer for a retiree, and clergy and schools. These calls can go to a helper, but the benefit questions go to the person who will act on them (Paying and benefits). Government agencies, banks and accounts are in After the service.
4. The house, pets and mail
When the person lived alone, their home is empty from the day of the death. AARP's checklist gives a short list for that house: lock up the home and the car, ask someone to water the plants, collect the mail and throw out food from the refrigerator, and lock away jewelry and cash. Kansas State's checklist adds securing the home and valuables, forwarding mail and taking out the trash. The house checklist on the task sheet collects these in one place.
Locks and codes
Count the keys you know about and who has them: a neighbor, a cleaner, a caregiver, a hospice aide. AARP suggests that a friend or neighbor watch the home until locks, alarm codes and smart-home access are updated or disabled. Changing a lock or a code is a job a helper can do with the agreement of the person in charge; record who did it and where the new keys are. Family's choice
If the person rented, tell the landlord, and ask what the lease says about access and notice. If hospice supplied equipment, the hospice arranges its collection (The first hours); someone needs to let the supplier in.
Pets
A pet needs someone on the first day. AARP suggests a caretaker or a kennel until there is a permanent plan. Write it as a task with a name and a time of day, and add the vet's name and any medicines in the notes.
Mail tells you a great deal: bills, statements and subscriptions that will need closing later. AARP notes that it can reveal assets, bills and subscriptions. In the first week, a helper collecting it from the box and keeping it in one place is enough. Convention
Changing where the mail goes is different. The US Postal Service's rules:
- If you shared the address with the person, you may open and manage their mail and forward it. USPS rule
- If you live at a different address, you must go to a Post Office in person and show documented proof that you are the appointed executor or administrator. The Postal Service says the death certificate alone is not enough. USPS rule
So for a person who lived alone, forwarding usually waits until someone has been appointed. Until then, a helper collects it.
The house during the service
A published service time tells everyone when a family will be away. Police in several places have described burglaries timed to funerals:
- In 2019, Indiana State Police told Indiana Public Media that burglars used obituaries and social media to target families during funerals in several counties. A sergeant advised having someone stay at the home during the services, locking all entries, and asking local police for extra patrols.
- In 2019, Milford, Massachusetts police reported three break-ins in one week while families were at funerals or wakes, with thieves reading obituaries online and in print, according to WHDH 7News. The department offered to check on houses during services.
- In 2018, a Greenwich, Connecticut police lieutenant told the Greenwich Free Press that a listed funeral time is "sort of an advertisement that the home will be vacant," and advised choosing someone to stay at the home.
AARP's fraud page gives the same warning about obituaries that list the date and time of the service. The response is simple, and it is a task on the sheet: someone stays at the house during the service, the doors are locked, and the family can ask local police whether they offer extra patrols. Ask local police This applies to the person's home if it is empty, and to the family's own homes if everyone will be at the service. Notices and telling people covers what to leave out of the notice.
5. One record of what was done and spent
Kansas State University's guide on decisions after a death advises appointing someone to keep a record of the activities and related expenses. Two reasons make that worth doing from the first day.
- Money moves fast and from many hands. Groceries for visitors, a deposit to the funeral home, flowers, parking, a flight. Within a week several people have paid for something, and no one remembers who.
- Some payments can be claimed back, and the claim belongs to the payer. For example, the VA's burial allowance is claimed by the person who paid the burial and funeral costs and will not be reimbursed by another source, and a transportation claim needs an itemized receipt in that person's name. One program's rule Whoever settles the estate may also ask what was spent and by whom (Paying and benefits, After the service).
What the log holds
The expense log has one row per amount: the date, the item, who paid, the amount, and whether the receipt is kept. Keep the receipts themselves in one envelope or one folder. Do not record card or account numbers; "Sam's card" is enough.
The log records; it does not decide who ends up paying. Whether the estate, a benefit or a family member pays a cost is a question for the person in charge of the estate and the benefit offices (Paying and benefits). Paying and benefits also covers who owes the person's own debts, with the agencies' own statements.
The record of what was done
The task sheet's "done" column is the record of what was done. When a task finishes, the helper or the coordinator ticks it. At the end of the first week, the sheet shows what happened and what is still open, which is what Your arrangements file closes out.
6. Sign-ups and the weeks after Go deeper
A meal or help sign-up
When many people want to help, a sign-up lets them pick a job without calling anyone. The Dougy Center lists arranging a meal train among the useful jobs a friend can take on: a meal train is a shared schedule where people sign up to bring a meal on a set day. A friend runs it, not the person deciding. Keep the sign-up to the jobs on the task sheet, and copy the names and days back to the sheet so the coordinator has one list. Family's choice
Before a sign-up is posted, decide what it shows. A meal schedule shows when the household is home and when it is not, and often the address. Share it with people you know, not publicly.
After the first weeks
Help tends to arrive all at once and stop soon after the service. The Dougy Center says support often drops off after the first weeks and encourages helpers to keep showing up over the long term. Ohio State's handout asks helpers to keep offering in the months after and to remember birthdays, holidays and anniversaries. It also names secondary losses: the things a death takes away besides the person, such as help with childcare or eldercare, a social life, or someone to manage the house.
A coordinator can plan for this with the same sheet. Add a few tasks dated a month and three months out: a meal, a walk, help with the paperwork in After the service. Ohio State also advises not pressing the family on belongings or major decisions while the grief is new. Those can be tasks for later, assigned to no one yet.
7. See it See it
Sam Okoro is one of this manual's fictional cases; names, times, prices and results are invented. Sam's mother, Ellen Okoro, 71, died early on a Tuesday at her home in Spokane, Washington, under home hospice care. Sam is her only child, lives twenty minutes away, and decides. Two people offered to help: Sam's partner, Dev Raman, and Ellen's neighbor, Carol Peck.
Known. Ellen's house is now empty. Ellen had a cat. Sam has Ellen's keys. Dev can take the week off work. Carol lives next door and has known Ellen for years. Ellen wanted "no funeral" and "a party at the lake"; the gathering will be about five weeks away, so its tasks can wait.
The coordinator. Sam asks Dev, who agrees on Tuesday morning. Dev keeps the task sheet and takes calls from relatives, and brings Sam the day's questions once each evening.
Five tasks, Tuesday.
| Task | Who | By when |
|---|---|---|
| Keep this list and answer the phone; bring Sam the day's questions each evening | Dev Raman | Daily from Tuesday |
| Feed the cat and water the plants at Ellen's | Carol Peck | Daily, mornings |
| Collect Ellen's mail from the box and leave it on the hall table | Carol Peck | Daily |
| Clear the refrigerator at Ellen's; lock the house and the car; count the spare keys | Dev Raman | Wednesday |
| Call Ellen's sister in Ohio and the three cousins | Sam | Tuesday evening |
The people to tell. Sam makes the family calls. Carol texts Ellen's book club and asks one member to tell the rest. Dev calls the school district office where Ellen worked to ask whether they want to tell former colleagues; the benefit questions it raises go on Sam's list for Paying and benefits.
The expense log. Sam's first entry: groceries for visitors, $62.40, paid by Sam, receipt kept (fictional).
Assumed. Sam assumes Carol has a spare key to Ellen's house, as many neighbors do. Dev asks her on Wednesday, and writes the answer on the house checklist.
Open. When the hospice equipment supplier will collect the hospital bed and oxygen: settled by the hospice, which arranges it; Dev will be at the house to let them in. What happens to the cat in the long term: Sam decides, later; for now Carol feeds it. Whether anyone needs to stay at Ellen's house during the gathering at the lake: settled when the date and the notice are set (Notices and telling people). Forwarding Ellen's mail: it waits for an appointed executor or administrator, under the Postal Service's rule; until then Carol collects it.
Result. By Tuesday night the task sheet has a coordinator, five tasks with a name and a day, a people-to-tell list split three ways, and one expense. Sam's own list is down to the decisions: the provider and the arrangement meeting.
The Feld family is a second fictional case, about a coordinator who is not on site. Ruth Feld, 91, died on a Thursday evening at a nursing home in Rochester, New York. She kept Conservative Jewish practice. Her son Aaron Feld lives in San Diego, California; her daughter Miriam Feld-Haas lives in Rochester. Ruth signed a prepaid contract with a Rochester funeral home ten years ago and owns a plot beside her late husband in a Jewish cemetery. On the rabbi's advice, the funeral is set for Sunday, so that Aaron can fly in and Shabbat is avoided.
The split. Miriam takes the on-site jobs; Aaron coordinates from California. They agree on it Thursday night by phone.
- Aaron (remote): keeps the task sheet as a shared online document that Miriam and the helpers can see, which is the method one celebrant recommends in AARP's memorial guide; makes and splits the calls to relatives and Ruth's friends across the country; drafts the notice with the Sunday time (Notices and telling people); books his flight to arrive before Sunday.
- Miriam (on site): meets the funeral home Friday morning with the prepaid contract; calls the cemetery about the plot; collects Ruth's belongings from the nursing home; is the one person helpers in Rochester call.
- Helpers in Rochester: a friend of Miriam's takes the meals for the weekend; a cousin meets Aaron's flight.
Known. The funeral date and the rabbi's guidance. Where Aaron and Miriam are, and who is on site. Ruth's home was the nursing home, so there is no empty house of hers to watch.
Assumed. Aaron assumes Miriam has the prepaid contract at her house; she checks Thursday night (fictional).
Open. What the prepaid contract covers, and whether opening and closing the grave is part of it: settled by the funeral home and the cemetery, which are separate businesses (Funeral homes and your rights, Goods, prices and the statement). Whether shivah is held at Miriam's home: the family decides (The service or gathering). If it is, the notice may carry her address and the days the family is there, and Miriam's own house will be empty during the funeral; Aaron adds "someone at Miriam's house Sunday morning" as an open task until that is settled.
What made it work. One list both could see, one person on site whom helpers called, and calls split by time zone: Aaron took the West Coast relatives in the evening, after Miriam's day was over.
Free pages that show the same work:
- Dougy Center: Someone You Care About is Grieving: a one-page tip sheet for helpers on making offers specific, following through and staying in touch after the first weeks.
- Kansas State University: Decisions After a Death (MF3122): an extension guide with the tasks families need help with and the advice to keep one record of activities and expenses.
- US Postal Service: Mail for the deceased: the Postal Service's own rules for managing, forwarding and stopping a person's mail.
- Indiana Public Media: thieves using obituaries (2019): a news report quoting police advice on the home during a funeral.
8. Practice Practice
Minimum: a coordinator named, five tasks each with a name and a day, and one expense logged. Time: about 30 to 45 minutes. Materials: a phone, the names of the people who offered help, the task sheet and the people-to-tell list. If you are planning ahead, write the tasks your own family would need, with the names of the people you would ask.
- Write the coordinator's job. On the task sheet, make the first row the coordinator's job, with their name. If no one else can do it, write your own name.
- List what is waiting. On paper, write every job you can think of for the next seven days. Use the table in tasks written as jobs as a prompt.
- Pick five. Choose the five that cannot wait or that free the person deciding the most. Rewrite each as what, who and by when, and add them to the sheet.
- Ask, then write. Ask each helper for their job by name, as a yes-or-no question. Write the name only after they agree.
- Split the people to tell. On the people-to-tell list, put the closest people first, then give each of two or three callers their names and the agreed message.
- Cover the house. If the person lived alone, go through the house checklist and give each item a name.
- Start the log. On the expense log, write the first amount anyone has spent, who paid, and whether the receipt is kept.
9. Your arrangements Your arrangements
The box below reads your setup, including how many helpers you have and whether the person lived alone.
10. Check your work Check your work
Criteria
- Is one person named as coordinator, and do the helpers know to call them?
- Does each task say what, who and by when, with one name?
- Did each helper agree to their task before their name went on it?
- Are the closest people on the people-to-tell list, each with a caller?
- If the person lived alone: are the locks, pets, refrigerator and mail each assigned?
- Is someone named to be at the house during the service, or is that marked as open with a date to settle it?
- Does the expense log have its first entry, with who paid?
- Does any task ask a helper to sign, authorize or forward something that needs the person deciding or an executor?
Worked example
Sam's sheet meets the criteria. Dev is the coordinator and Carol knows to call Dev. Each of the five tasks has one name and a day, and each helper agreed first. The people-to-tell list puts Ellen's sister first, with Sam as the caller. The house items are assigned. The house during the gathering is marked open, to be settled with the date. One expense is logged with Sam as payer. No task asks Dev or Carol to sign anything or forward the mail.
Common mistakes
- "Everyone help with food." A task with no name and no day tends not to get done. Give it one name and a day.
- Too many tasks on day one. Five is enough to start. The rest can wait for the coordinator's next pass.
- The person deciding as the switchboard. If relatives still call that person with questions, tell them the coordinator's name again.
- A helper "just signing" for the family. Contracts and authorizations go to the person with the right to decide.
- No one at the house. A published service time with the whole family away leaves the house empty. Name someone.
- Receipts in many wallets. One envelope and one log, from the first day.
What is still unresolved
This chapter does not settle who pays which cost in the end (Paying and benefits), who has authority over the estate, the mail and the accounts (the will or the court, After the service), what the notice says and where it runs (Notices and telling people), or what the service needs from helpers (The service or gathering). The task sheet carries forward, and Your arrangements file closes out what is still open.