Obituaries, death notices and telling people safely

Tell people in order, write a death notice or obituary that leaves out the details identity thieves use, find out each paper's price and deadline, and keep the house watched during the service.

1. Telling people in rings Understand

People should hear about a death from someone they know before they read it in a notice or a post. The way to make that happen is to tell people in rings: the closest first, in person or by phone, then each wider circle by a faster method. The ring order is our convention built from AARP's and Kansas State's checklists, which list the same groups. Convention

Kansas State's after-death checklist lists contacting family and friends, asking others to help make the calls, and then the employer, school and clergy (K-State Research and Extension, MF3699). AARP's checklist adds group texts, email and calls, reviewing the person's own contacts, and asking the people you tell to spread the word (AARP, What to do when a loved one dies).

The employer call

The employer belongs in the first days, not the last. AARP says to contact the employer right away about the final paycheck and to ask about survivor, pension or unused-leave benefits, which "may be time-sensitive." Kansas State adds a long-time former employer of a retiree, which is where a pension may come from. Ask the employer's human resources office what it needs and by when, and write the answers in the benefits sheet (benefits). Whether anyone qualifies for a benefit is the employer's or the plan's decision (Paying and benefits). Ask the authority

Splitting the calls

Sharing the work set up callers so the person who decides is not on the phone all day (Sharing the work). Give each caller a short list, a few lines to say, and an answer for the questions people ask: when and where the service is, or that it will be announced. Record each person or group, how they will be told, who tells them and when it is done in the people-to-tell sheet (people to tell).

A caller can say what the family has decided to share and no more. If the cause of death is private, the script says so: "The family is not sharing details." Callers pass the service details in ring 1 to 3 calls; for ring 4, the notice carries them.

2. A death notice or an obituary, and where it runs

Two kinds of published announcement get called "the obituary." The difference matters for price and for what goes in them. These working definitions are this manual's; no neutral source sets them. Convention

A family can run a short notice now with the service details, and a longer obituary later, or only one, or neither. A short online notice is enough for many families. Terms used here are defined in the glossary.

Who places it, and what it costs

The funeral home can place it. The Funeral Rule lists placing obituary notices among the basic services a funeral provider may include in its basic services fee, and lists obituary notices among its examples of a cash advance item, a charge the provider pays to a third party on your behalf (16 CFR Part 453). Federal rule So the funeral home's work in placing it may be in the fee you already pay, and the newspaper's charge appears as a separate line on the itemized statement, as an estimate if the amount is not known yet. The FTC's pricing checklist also lists notices among what the basic services fee covers (FTC, Funeral Costs and Pricing Checklist). Goods, prices and the statement shows how to check those lines (Goods, prices and the statement).

No neutral source gives newspaper prices. Rates vary by paper, by length, by whether there is a photo, and by the number of days it runs. Ask the paper, or the funeral home, for four things and write them in the places sheet (where it will run): Ask the paper

• the price, and what it is based on (lines, words, a photo, each day it runs, the online version);
• the deadline for the day you want it to appear;
• how to submit it, and whether they need anything to confirm the death (some papers check with the funeral home);
• whether the online version stays up, and whether it carries a guest book the family can turn off.

Count back from the service date: the notice has to appear early enough for people to come. If the deadline for a print edition falls too close, run it online first.

The order of the parts

No neutral source sets what an obituary contains or in what order. The order below is our convention, used in the notice sheet; change it to suit the family. Convention

1. Name, age and town. The name as the person used it, without the middle or maiden name. The age instead of the birth date. The town or city instead of the address.
2. Date of death. The cause is the family's choice to include or not. Family's choice
3. A short life. Work, places, what they cared about, in the family's words.
4. Family. Who survives them, as the family chooses to list them.
5. The service. Date, time and place; or "private"; or "a gathering will be held later"; or how to ask for details.
6. In place of flowers. A charity or fund, if the family wants one.

The notice sheet follows this order and has a field for each part, plus a box to tick when the text has been checked against the leave-out list (the notice).

3. What to leave out

An obituary is public, permanent and searchable, and the people who read it include people looking for a target. AARP's page on obituary scams says criminals collect obituary facts, such as a birth date, where the person lived and worked, and family names, to build a false identity in the dead person's name, which AARP calls "ghosting" (AARP, Obituary scams). Its advice is specific about what to leave out.

The right column is this manual's suggestion, not AARP's; AARP gives only the items to leave out. Apply the list to everything public: the paper, the funeral home's page, a post, the printed program (The service or gathering).

4. The empty house and impostor calls

The house during the service

A public notice with the time of the service tells anyone who reads it when the family will be away. AARP's warning is in the table above. Police have described the same thing to local news in three states:

• In Indiana in 2019, burglars used obituaries and social media to find families at funerals in several counties. An Indiana State Police sergeant advised having someone stay at the home during the funeral and memorial services, locking every entry, installing a security system, and asking local police for extra patrols (Indiana Public Media, October 30, 2019).
• In Milford, Massachusetts, in 2019, police reported three break-ins in one week while the owners were at funerals or wakes, and offered to check on houses during services. A local funeral director began advising families to have someone house-sit during the visiting hours and the service (WHDH 7News, April 26, 2019).
• In Greenwich, Connecticut, in 2018, a police lieutenant called a listed funeral time "sort of an advertisement that the home will be vacant" and advised choosing someone to stay in the home (Greenwich Free Press, March 30, 2018).

These are news reports quoting police, not a national statistic; they show the risk is real, not how common it is.

The house sitter is a role in the service plan's roles sheet (roles for the day). The other choice is a notice that gives the date but asks people to contact the family for the time and place; that lowers the signal and makes the family answer more messages. Either is reasonable. Family's choice

Impostor calls after a notice runs

A notice also tells scammers who to call. AARP describes impostors who pose as government officials, debt collectors or insurance agents; people who claim to be long-lost friends; and callers who pose as the funeral home or cemetery to get financial information. Its red flag is pressure to pay right away by wire transfer, gift card or reloadable card.

• Give nothing on a call you did not make. Take a name and number, hang up, and call the organization back at a number you already have: the one on the price list, the policy or a statement. This is this manual's method. Convention
• Do not pay a debt on a call. AARP says the estate, not the survivors, is generally responsible for the person's debts, with exceptions such as a cosigned or joint account. Ask for the debt in writing (Paying and benefits).
• Military honors are free. Military OneSource's FAQ says families are not required to pay for military funeral honors and warns of people asking for payment for them (The service or gathering).
• Report it. AARP points to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov or 877-382-4357.

Tell the callers and the person at the house about these calls, since they are the ones who answer the phone.

5. Posts, messages and flowers

The wider announcement

For ring 4, a group message or a post reaches more people faster than calls. AARP's checklist suggests group texts and email, and using a site the person or family already used, such as CaringBridge, Facebook or Lotsa Helping Hands. Send it after rings 1 to 3 have been told, so nobody close learns it from a screen.

A post is a public notice. The leave-out list applies, and a post with the service time sends the same empty-house signal as a newspaper. Check who can see the post before sending it, and leave out a home location tag. Convention

Facebook's help center says a legacy contact, a person the account holder chose to look after the account once it is memorialized, can write a pinned post on the profile to share a final message or memorial service details. That is one platform's rule, read October 17, 2026. One provider's rule Memorializing, closing and handing over accounts are in After the service (After the service).

Flowers, or donations in place of flowers

Many notices name a charity or fund for gifts "in place of flowers." The choice is the family's. Family's choice Some traditions have their own custom: the Rabbinical Assembly's guide to Conservative Jewish practice encourages donations to a tzedakah (charity) fund instead of flowers (Rabbinical Assembly guide). That is one movement's custom, as its own guide describes it; ask the family's clergy. Write the choice in the notice sheet's In place of flowers field, and in the service plan if flowers will be at the service (the plan).

6. See it See it

Free pages that show what this chapter describes:

• AARP, Obituary scams: the leave-out list, the empty-house warning and the impostor calls in AARP's words.
• Indiana Public Media, 2019: police advice for the home during a funeral.
• AARP, What to do when a loved one dies: telling people, the employer call and securing the home.

7. Practice: the notice and where it runs Practice

Minimum: the people-to-tell sheet with rings 1 and 2 assigned, a short notice in the notice sheet with the leave-out box ticked, one place with a deadline, and a house sitter's name in the roles sheet. Time: about 40 minutes, plus the calls. Materials: the notice sheet, the people-to-tell sheet, the person's address book or phone contacts, the information sheet (facts) and the service plan (the plan).

1. List rings 1 and 2 in the people-to-tell sheet, with how each is told and who tells them. Add ring 3 groups and the employer as single rows (people to tell).
2. Fill the notice sheet's short fields: name as it will appear, age, town, date of death, service details or "details from the family", survived by, in place of flowers (the notice).
3. Write the full text in the order of the parts, a few lines for a notice.
4. Check it against the leave-out list, item by item, and tick the box. Then have one other person read it for the same items.
5. Call the paper or the funeral home, or choose online only, and write each place with its deadline and price in the places sheet (where it will run).
6. Name the house sitter in the roles sheet (roles for the day) and tell them about impostor calls.

8. Your arrangements Your arrangements

The box below reads your setup and says which parts of this chapter apply, including the notice deadline if a service date is set.

9. Check your work Check your work

Criteria

• Has everyone in rings 1 and 2 been told, or is each assigned to a named caller?
• Does the notice leave out the date and place of birth, middle name, maiden name, mother's maiden name and home address?
• Does every public place it runs have a deadline, and a price or "free"?
• If the notice gives the service time, is a named person at the home for the whole service and reception?
• Do the callers and the house sitter know what to do with a call asking for money or account details?
• Is the employer, or a retiree's former employer, on the list for this week?

Worked example

Sam's notice, checked: rings 1 and 2 were told on the first day by Sam, Dev and Carol; the notice has the age, town and date of death and none of the leave-out items; the provider's website and Sam's post are the places, with the paper still to be asked; the time and place go only to people who write in, and Nikhil stays at the house; the school district is on the list. Open: the provider's charge for the online notice, which the itemized statement settles. Fictional example.

Common mistakes

• A close friend learns it from a post. Fix: send ring 4 only after rings 1 to 3 are marked told.
• The birthplace comes back in. A story or a line about where the person grew up adds it. Fix: check the final text, not the draft.
• A program or a funeral home page carries what the notice left out. Fix: apply the list to every public document.
• The house sitter leaves for the reception. Fix: the role covers the whole time the family is away.
• A missed deadline. Print deadlines can be a day or more before the date it runs. Fix: ask the deadline before writing, and run online first if needed.

What is still unresolved

Each paper's price, deadline and rules are its own. What the life story says is the family's. Whether a funeral home's notice is covered by a prepaid contract or the basic services fee is settled by the contract and the itemized statement (Goods, prices and the statement). Reporting the death to Social Security and a credit bureau, and closing or memorializing accounts, is After the service. Benefits from an employer or pension are the plan's decision (Paying and benefits).

10. Knowledge check and scenario

Checklist

• Rings 1 and 2 are told, or each person is assigned to a named caller.
• The notice is written and checked against the leave-out list by two people.
• Each place the notice will run has a deadline and a price or "free".
• Someone is named to stay at the home during the service and reception.
• The employer, or a retiree's former employer, is on this week's list.
• A longer obituary is drafted from the information sheet and checked again. (Go deeper; optional)